Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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