I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
I'm jealous of your bromance
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Randomize
