Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Randomize
