yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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