Yo dont text me then not text me
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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