I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize