I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
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