I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
