the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
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