bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
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