you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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