Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
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