I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
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