I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Randomize
