I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
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