Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Randomize
