he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Randomize