So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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