I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
