I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
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