Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
Randomize
