Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
Randomize
