I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
