Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Randomize
