: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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