did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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