Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
