I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Randomize