This girl is very crazy
She's one of those compassionate ppl
So everything I said on this seemingly endless date offended her
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
