Swine flu. Run for my life!
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
