I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
