I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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