i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
