seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Randomize