We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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