Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
