Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Last time i carry you out of a forest
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Ladies don't puke and tell
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
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