So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Randomize
