The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
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