dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
