You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
