Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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