Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
is it wrong to smoke out middle schoolers?
yes...dear jesus what did you do?
bwahaha. ask your little brother in about 20 minutes. im dropping him off.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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