Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
