She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
