she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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