Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize