I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Randomize
