I am puke
like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
