just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Randomize
