In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Randomize
