i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Randomize
