sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Randomize
