ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
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