On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Randomize
