I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize